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Well I’m back..again!  Maybe this time for more than a week :)

I started drawing again, working third shift brings out my creative side..either that or it causes me to be so bored I resort to drawing — I love when I draw, I hate when I stop..but I’m too lazy to do it XD

Arrrghhh 5 more hours, bored of bored.com already…hmm

I’ve been A LOT more optimistic lately, but I’m also afraid that I may be setting myself up for a disappointment.  I guess we’ll see how that goes right?

So anyways…I talked to my mom about the possibility of me moving out in hopes to pursue my goals of going back to school.  I’d like to do something with my life, and I’d rather have myself together before it gets too late and I fall in the same loop I’m already in.  It’s the first time I’ve heard her say “I’m so proud of you” in atleast 5 years.  The last time I remember hearing that from anyone was when I was playing violin, always talking about how I wanted to move on to be a famous musician.

“Don’t be pushed by your problems.  Be led by your dreams.”

I never really listened to those little inspirational quotes that could have possibly changed my life, made me a better person.  Now of course, it’s all falling into place, and lately for some reason my past has been haunting me.  What if I wasn’t such a terrible person back then?  Would I still be in this same situation, going nowhere fast, growing up with nothing to show for it?  If I had taken everyone’s advice and gone to the school instead of listening to my parents, if I hadn’t been such a hollow person filled with deceit.  I try to make up for it now by being over the top bubbly, honest & nice.  But it’s like all those stupid little things I did in the past, just come back and pick at me until I can’t breathe.

The more & more I think about it…karma is a bitch.

I can’t really complain, everything’s been going back to the way it was.  I’m pretty happy about it, I’ve missed being my bubbly self.  It feels nice to finally be getting out, being social…having friends and doing things rather than just sit at home and have nothing to do or look forward to.

Yesterday was Jess’ 21st B-day!!! We started the day off with some yummilicious Shady Glen, followed by the races, which…Jim had some technical difficulties :( , but little cutie Jeff came from 9th down to 3rd place out of 22 cars.  Me and Jess don’t really do the race lingo…we rooted for cars by color most of the night “GO PURPLE CAR!!!!”  We ended the night drinking, singing Journey at the top of our lungs , wreckin hoes in Halo and zombie hoes in Resident Evil 5.

On another note…I’m at work and ready to kill everyone within arm’s length (which is technically nobody but there’s one target that is locked) :(

I don’t want it to be like this anymore…

I can’t think straight, I can’t catch my breath, I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s been going on, and how I wish it would just stop.

My anxiety isn’t getting any better, if anything it’s been getting worse…it seems as if people are trying to trigger it.  Now I deal with it on my own, rather than burdening other people with it.  I’m done with everything right now, I pretty much wanna bury my head under my pillows and scream…but I just did that about 5 minutes ago.

I’m hoping by venting and writing it all down, it’ll help make it easier to cope..but so far it’s just making things worse.

I just want to be happy & worry free again..

The past couple weeks have been pretty much…driving me INSANE.  I’ve got so much going on, but I’m trying to keep myself cool calm and collecte. I have too much going on emotionally to freak myself out over everything that’s been going on.

ON ANOTHER NOTE —- Jess’ 21st birthday is next week YAY!!!!! I mean…it’s not all that great because I’m not 21, but we’re gonna go to the races and get alittle tipsy :)

Amber and I decided yesterday…that we’re going camping next week…yeah it’s like that.  Amber and I have never really been people that “make plans.”  We usually just figure out what we’re gonna do…then do it.

Well…that’s all for now…gotta go to work!

I haven’t had much to write about besides the fact that I got Indigo Prophecy and beat it within 48 hours :) I’ve been working nonstop, it’s not so bad, it takes my mind off of all the negative stuff… So Jessica and I finally got to hang out last night, it was pretty nice considering I haven’t been able to get out of the house much lately. We set up a little fire in the backyard and talked to spirits? We found it IS possible to speak to two separate spirits on two separate Ouija boards. (I know I know…it’s pretty lame, but it keeps us entertained.) I’m thinking about video blogging some of our Oiuja encounters, we’ve had some strange ones. I know most people don’t believe in it, and I didn’t used to either, I used to pretend and move it around the board myself…but there are just some things you cant fake, for example; we spoke with an elderly woman who died back in the 60’s from a stab to the heart. We asked why she came to us, and the only response we could get was “X.” After searching it up online, I found there was a woman that matched her exact same age, died the same year, from being stabbed in the heart by her ex-husband. I mean, I guess it could be coincidence, but I highly doubt it. Anyways, I’m at work for the next…well…FOREVER…I’ll write later :)